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ASK THE DOCTOR Needing and Caring'

by Peter Beebe, Ph.D.

With some frequency gays puzzle, "Why am I not in a relationship?" For awhile our bars are the meccas of meetings, falling in love, falling out of love only to fall in again...and again until jaded. No longer meccas, the bars then become the topic of derisive conversation; all the while those who talk keep going with some kind of hope still alive. Maybe this time.

When we don't think much

about love and relationships, we wish. Wishing tends to be filled with undeveloped expectations: the unspokens that the other person is to fulfill, somehow. Without thinking about what we mean when we say we want a relationship, we condemn ourselves to the kind of repetition in love which reduces our selfesteem and sends us running

to a counselor. It is my hope, over the next few columns, to provoke you to think about love and not just "to feel it."

Love is a big word. We use it loosely, meaning all sorts of conditions of being with one another. Some of these conditions are not love at all, but its distor tion. For example, I distort love when I confuse caring with needing. When I care about someone, I know that person intimately; I know what might make him happy, feel supported, what might give her joy, and I know also what would hurt him or her. When I need someone I am less in contact with the other person and more in contact with myself--my own need not to be alone, my own need to be valued, my own need to feel attractive. my need is profound enough, that is if I have been deprived of attention as I have grown, without knowing it I may expect the other to

be for me what I have never learned to be for myself, I may expect someone else to value me when I do not value myself. If need is the basis of my relationship and not caring, then it is as though I am addicted to the other person. The other person loses his shape in front of me. I do not see him or her, I see only what he or she must give me, and if I am addicted to what someone provides for me, then I am not choosing that person freely. Needing is compulpulsive; loving, on the other hand, is wanting and choosing.

"The kind of need we colloquially refer to as "neediness" has several indicators: the inability to be alone, chronic demands that the other person be particular ways instead of how he

she is, a feeling in the partner of being suffocated, h the "only-a-lover-will-do" syndrome. It is rare that only one person in a rela-

tionship is needy; one may be more obviously "in need" rather than "in love," but the other's need is_shadowed in the background. For example, there are those who unconsciously select persons who need them because they are frightened by relating to someone who is their equal, believing perhaps they are not worthy of such a relationship. A relationship built on need can survive only so long as both grow together or both remain as they are. If one begins to change, the still needing other is threatened and the relationship can break.

One final note. The confusion of needing with caring and loving is fundamental where it occurs relationships end or continue in desperation. This is not to suggest, however, that there is no expression of need in a loving pairing. It is simply that caring is at the center of the sturdy relationship, not need.

Anal Pleasure

From page 11

do. Add a little bleach for extra effectiveness.

Rimming is dangerous because parasites, bacteria and other viruses can be passed from mouth to the rectum and visa versa. Finger stimulation of this area will have to suffice..

The area between the scrotal sac and the opening of the anus, called the perineum, has a tremendous amount of nerve endings. A tongue bath of the perineum (I call it "primming"), can produce wonderful effects.

Inserting a fist or anything close in size into the rectum is extrememly dangerous. If you hate your body, engage in fisting.

A word about AIDS: HTLVIII is the virus that causes this deadly disease. It is believed that not everyone

who has been exposed to the virus will develop fullblown AIDS. Many of those infected remain healthy. We do believe, however, that they can infect their sexual partners.

In Ohio, recent research indicates that between 10 and 20 percent of sexually active gay and bisexual men are carriers of the virus. Most of those people will not become ill. Each new exposure to this virus, how ever, will greatly increase their chances of developing AIDS. As of July 31 there are 97 cases of AIDS in Ohio. Remember, PLAY SAFE... Just for the health of it!

[Harris is Gay Health Consultant for the Ohio Department of Health, and a frequent contributor to the Chronicle.].

Safe Sex

From page 11.

have to mean avoiding all sex. It does mean modifying your activities to prevent the exchange of body fluids.

The changes may not be easy at first, but the alternative is dreadful: It's a choice of Safe Sex flirtation with death. And remember, Healthy Sex is Great Sex.

For additional information, call the AIDS Hotline at 1-800-332-AIDS. The writer would like to acknowledge material provided by Persad Center, Inc., The San Francisco AIDS Foundation, and the Health Issues Taskforce of Cleveland, Inc.

[Daroff is currently Coordinator of the HTLV-III Blood Screening Program in Cleveland, in addition to being a Chronicle staff member.]

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